Calorie Crunching

The holidays are upon us and if you’re like me, you’re already worrying about gaining weight.  It is irritating to watch that gal on TV, the one who is shaped like a talking pencil, say she has been eating this wonderful pre-cooked food and is now a size 8.  I don’t know about you, but I was born larger than a size 8.  She adds insult to injury when she spouts about her new bikini and how happy her husband is with her new found body.  The key word here is “found”.  I wonder how long she stayed on that diet before she found that body in there.

I get so low when I see one of those commercials that I have another cookie for comfort and then try to figure how many cookie-calories I’ll burn preparing dinner.  Remember, we bend over a lot reaching into cabinets and emptying the dishwasher.  If we burn 12 calories a minute climbing stairs, surely preparing a meal knocks off 4 or 5.

A recent article claimed that dancing a fast step for one hour burns 600 calories.  How many women do you know who ever danced a fast step for one hour and lived to get her calories counted?

The article mentioned that eating burned 50 calories an hour.  If you like to read, which uses another 25 calories an hour, you are really burning 75 calories an hour if you read and eat at the same time.

Singing uses 50 calories. So, if you sing what you read while you eat, that totals 125 calories an hour.  Apply the discount to the food you are consuming.  Granted this requires eating very slowly to keep an hour’s worth of eating anywhere near 125 calories.  It is comforting to know there are pleasant things left that really do melt pounds.

Card playing and watching television each burn 25 calories an hour.  That is encouraging news to a regular bridge playing-“All My Children”/”Days of Our Lives” fan.  You can double calorie burning if you watch TV while playing cards.  Six or eight cashews cost 88 calories.  Limit yourself to 5 cashews an hour while watching a good show on TV and playing cards and you come out about even.

Typing burns 50 calories an hour, so I’ll have earned a small cookie by the time I finish this. I forgot to estimate how much energy I put out doing all this math.

Prestige Builders

Parents, when a child’s neighborhood prestige begins to decline, there are several measures that can be undertaken to immediately restore and ofttimes increase his social standings. Allowing your automobile to break down sufficiently to require wrecker-towing from your front door to the garage gives a real shot in the arm to your kid’s lagging image.  Hordes of children will gather from blocks away to watch the spectacle and then remain for hours bestowing envious questions on your kid and invitations to join their most intimate groups. When Father breaks a leg and must be in a cast to the hip and hauled around in a wheel chair, plan for the popularity to mount.  Not only do kids find Father fascinating in that position, they find his under-breath mumblings delightful. When Aunt Sarah comes to visit, tell your children she has a glass eye as a reminder not to stare.  They will not stare, but they will have many little visitors who will become very attracted to Aunt Sarah. The first time you discover evidence of mice and set a trap, a regular barrage of guests, many of whom you’ve never seen, will file respectfully past your loaded trap.  Rank strangers will stop  you in the grocery store and suggest various methods and exterminator services for pest control. Moving offers the monumental popularity device.  The entire family becomes a target for junior-size admiration.  Your garbage cans are raided for treasure and your shrubs are trampled by curious little people peeking in the windows of the rapidly-emptying house.  When the movers arrive, the real carnival atmosphere begins with your family as the main attraction.  The only drawback is that once established in the new neighborhood, the popularity thing begins again.